I had planned to post this last month, but I was going through a bout of depression, which I will talk about later on in this post. So instead of actually posting during #mentalhealthmonth, I am going to post it now. Enjoy, or don't. I really don't care.
When I was a teenager, I was diagnosed with depression. Normal, right. Sure, but my depression, wasn't. My depression is like a rollercoaster -> I'm chugging along doing alright, and then bam! I drop into an episode where I don't want to eat, I drop weight, I'm numb, I cry, I fuck up all the good in my life, I make bad life decisions to try to fell, etc. Then somehow I was "normal" again. AND repeat.... so those were my teenage years.
Basically, Bipolar I disorder involves periods of severe mood episodes from mania to depression. Bipolar II disorder is a milder form of mood elevation, involving milder episodes of hypomania that alternate with periods of severe depression. (Webmd.com)
All this time I have been like, "well shit, I wish I could get the mania along with the severe depression", but in reality, I'm good.... I don't want all the bad decision making that comes along with severe hypomania and what not.
But during my most recent depressive episode (which I am still trying to drag myself out of- more on that later), I decided to do some research on Bipolar II disorder. What I found was interesting... Bipolar II is a more sever form of Bipolar, because without the correct medication, you are in a constant state of cycling- basically alternating states of hypomania and depression. Simply you go from high to low within days. AND that's where I was in my most recent episode, and didn't know it... go figure.
Medication wise, I currently take 4 medications a day to keep me "normal"... (not pictured is the Adderall). Since I was a teenager I have been on a variety of antidepressants (because they thought I had depression), which helped a bit, and I have also experienced a wide range of side effects from feeling numb, to head aches, and everything in between.
Along with the Bipolar II, I was also diagnosed with ADHD, OCD, and Anxiety.
Since my diagnosis, my OCD and Anxiety have gotten better, thankfully, and I don't have to be medicated for them. My ADHD, I do have to take Adderall for, but that's because I can't concentrate worth a damn if I don't.
Speaking of ADHD, I was originally diagnosed with ADD, but a couple of years ago, the awesome doctors combine ADD and ADHD together and now there is only ADHD as a diagnosis, so it's all the same now. AND with that, I can definitely tell I had ADHD as a kid... but it went under the radar.
With all of that said, I can finally talk about how the month of May was for me...
It had been coming on for a few weeks... the D word. The stupid episode where I can't get my shit straight and the house would suffer. The annoying time when the hubby would feel like he is a failure and I can't do anything about it. The time when all I want to do is cry and stay in bed. The time when I don't want to eat and I loose weight. The time when nothing brings me joy, and I am numb to the world. The time when I will do almost anything to make myself feel better (including dying and/or cutting my hair), to get myself out of this damn funk. Um yeah... to set the record straight, I did dye my hair... several times during this episode.
If you don't know what I am talking about, consider yourself lucky that you haven't been in my shoes. For all others, it's called a major depressive episode and take it from me... it really blows.
No, I was not, nor am I at this time, suicidal, and yes, I have been dealing with this type of thing for a while...
As soon as I realized what was going on, I made a call to my psych doctor and by the grace of the man above, I was able to get an immediate appointment. She upped two of my medications and added a 3rd (hence why I now take so many), and after a few weeks of being on the medications, I am finally starting to feel a hell of a lot better.
I am not quite myself just yet, but I am actually getting there.
And for that I am thankful.
And hopeful for a better tomorrow.
*PIN ME*
