Five things I learned in August

can't believe that today is actually the last Friday of August! I know I say that every month, but wow, where is summer going? The past week in Northwest Indiana it's felt like Fall is finally upon us (next week it's supposed to be in the 80s...) and I am so ready to break out my scarves and boots!

But today isn't about my love for Fall, it's about the five things I learned this month...

1. How to drive a four wheeler.
For the first time in my 30 years, I have finally learned how to ride a four wheeler safely. And I love it. Find out more here. 

2. Friendship is not about how close you live, but how close you choose to stay.
My bestie has lived about 14 hours away from me for about three years now, and we tend to keep in touch through text. Sure we talk a couple times a week, but I can tell you how easy it would be to just give up on our friendship since she lives so far away. But we haven't. We have been friends since sixth grade, and we choose to stay close. I really think we are closer now than when she actually lived like 20 minutes away from me. And it's not awkward when she comes home a couple times a year.

3. Family is family, no matter what. 
This month really hasn't been my month and with what happen last week, I now know that I can count on my family to be there through thick and thin, no matter what. They are my comfort, my sorrow, my happiness, my joy, my ground, and my world. And now, we are whole again... aka, my hubby and parents are finally getting along and my brothers are now accepting my hubby into their circle. 

4. Even though someone doesn't show that they are hurting, doesn't mean that they aren't hurting too. 
I really though that the loss of our puppy was only weighing on me, and not my hubby. Maybe I was just being selfish, because he didn't show it. But sitting by his side when we said goodbye to our baby, and seeing his tears showed me that he really loved our baby as much as I did. But once the tears stopped, he put on a front to hide his sadness. He told me to get out of the house and stop thinking about the puppy. Of course, I took it as though he wanted me to forget. I was wrong. Once his next day off, after the passing, came along, he confessed that he missed our puppy and couldn't bear to be in the house, because all he thought about was him. At that point, I knew I wasn't alone in the sadness and even though he didn't show it, he was hurting too. 

5. How to say goodbye to a friend
It's never easy to say goodbye to a pet. Never. And I am still learning to deal with my pain, but I've pulled myself together over and over and put a smile on my face.

A letter to my friend: 

My beloved friend, 

Every time I have tried to begin this, I break down. Your absence is definitely making an impact on me and our family. Especially since Gav keeps asking about you and every time I tell him where you are, he asks, "can we go pick him up?". I can't blame him, you have been there his whole life. And it hurts me. Anytime I've found one of your squeaky balls, I break down and ugly cry. Yes, the cry that you have seen once or twice.

It's been a week since you crossed that rainbow bridge and I hope you are playfully happy. I also hope you are no longer in pain. I'm sorry for cutting your life short, but I couldn't bear to see you dwindle in front of us. I know it seemed like you were having more good days than bad, but it was a smoke screen. Like I told Dad, it felt like the pills were putting up a smoke screen, and you were going to crash. Hard.

I want you to know that the decision to let you go wasn't an easy one for me. You had been my baby for over seven years. You were my baby before Gav was even thought of. And you will always be my baby. My little fluffy ball of terror. Always.

Sure you were growly with Gav but you were just talking. Sure you made me mad here and there and annoyed us with your incessant barking, but we loved you. And we still do. 

I wanted to keep you around for the sanity of it all. I wasn't ready to let go yet and I'm still not ready. Anytime I think of you, or see your picture, my eyes well up. The only thing that grants me solace is the fact that I know that in your last few hours, you were happy.

I hope you are definitely in a better place. I have to believe you are in heaven and playing, running, jumping, and happy for this to get better. For the scar tissue to develop over my heart.

I love you. 
Love, Mom

When life delivers you a low blow...

It's been about three days and I feel like I can finally do this without crying... maybe. 

If you have been here for a bit, you know that I generally share the good WITH the bad, but I've never done the whole woe is me... 

Today I'm doing exactly that. Today I am cursing the heavens for the low blow that life is delivering me. The low blow that is coming in the form of loosing my beloved seven year old fur baby on Friday, Aug 21. 

I feel like blaming everyone under the sun, including myself. Maybe I could have watched him more and maybe if I had watched, I could have seen something was wrong. Maybe if I wasn't so wrapped up and involved in my social media my phone whenever I took him out to go potty, I would have seen a difference in the way he was acting.

Maybe I should have loved him more. Given him more time out of the cage. Maybe I should have pet him more. Told him that I appreciated the love he returned to me. Told him that he was my world. That he was my baby. Maybe I should have given him more treats. Or brushed him more. Maybe I should have taken him on more walks. Maybe I could have caught whatever was going on earlier, and he would still be here with me. In my arms. Where I could have done all the stuff I am missing so much.

It hurts. Alot. It hurts when I walk into my house expecting him to bark, and it doesn't happen. It hurts when I go back to my parent's house and don't have to return home to give him water or take him out. It hurts when Lil Man asks where he is. It hurts when I see that his cage is gone. And I realize that he is gone too. It just hurts. Like my chest has been cut open and a piece of my heart was ripped out. 

I'm ready for the numb stage to kick in. I hate feeling hopeless and I hate looking at his picture and knowing that he isn't going to be there when I get home. That he isn't going to be at the door smiling with his tail wagging and attempting to attack me with kisses. I hate knowing that he is buried on the property and he is never coming back. 

I have to believe in heaven. That he is there. And that his pain is gone there. That he is running and jumping, and chasing, and eating treats. I have to believe that he is in a better place. But I still question what was so wrong with this place? I understand he was sick and the vet even said that it was a perfect time to do it, because he was getting worse. But I still wish he was here. Next to me. Cuddling with me. I have to believe that I made the right choice and even though I am overwhelmed with grief, that he is happy and watching over me. That he knows that I didn't make my decision lightly. That it weighed on me for weeks. That it still does. 

I have to believe that my pain will lessen it's grip on my heart. That Lil Man will stop asking if we can go get Duce, or if we can dig him up. I have to believe that his soul is in heaven. I have to believe that when my hubby and family tell me to get out of the house and pressure me to go do something, that it's for my own good. That they care about me and know that sitting alone in my Duce-less house is bad for me. That they care. And aren't telling me just to forget. For their love, I am grateful. 

And I am grateful for the time I had with my baby. Grateful for the seven years and four months that he was mine. That he was happy. That he go to experience unconditional love. That he got to love.

"It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone."
~Rose Kennedy

*Linking up with Ember Grey

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Pretty Little Beauty Swap Reveal

I think you should know that in the midst of my subscription box addiction, I really love swapping beauty products with my fellow beauty enthusiasts. And I really love participating in the pretty little beauty swap hosted by Chelsea of Southern Beauty Guide and Justine of Sleepy Single Girl. In the swap, you spend about a month getting to know your partner, and then send them a minimum $15 package centered around their likes and dislikes (or some new "you must try" products).

This time around I was paired with one of the co-hosts, Justine, and I can't tell you how much I loved getting to know her. I found out that we are at almost the same points in life- both married, both about 29/30, both have kids, both love subscription boxes... this could go on. Sure, we did have differences- she likes false eyelashes and I don't; I love masks, she doesn't have time to use them, but that was the fun!

Justine sent me a cute lil bag, which is waterproof and awesome for taking to the beach, some colored eyeliners, which I love trying new colors, a cute little bronzer, some lippies, a eye shadow primer, and some collagen booster facial serum.

For Justine's package, I decided to spoil her. She is a new mom (her lil one is 12 weeks) and she just went back to work. I've been there. I been at the point of not spoiling myself because my child needed something, and his happiness was worth more than a new tube of mascara or lip gloss.

To see what I enclosed for Justine, go see here. And while you're there, take a gander at all the other gals who participated in the swap :)
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four wheelin and a thirty by thirty update

One | If you are viewing my blog design and see that my side bar is under the posts- I'm sorry and I'm trying to fix it. 

Two | I completed another thing on my thirty by thirty list this week!!!

I have been trying to plan on different activities and vacations to take this year, since well, I turn the big 3-0 in about 106 days... eek! So last week, the hubby borrowed the brother-in-law's 90 cc Arctic Cat four wheeler for us to try it out (the main reason being that my parents are throwing around the idea of getting my almost 5 year old a four wheeler) and after fixing it, we decided to take it for a spin. Lil man can't ride by himself, so I of course took him for lots of rides and completed number 28 on my list!!! And I've been completing it everyday since Monday :) 

***Want to see what else is on my thirty by thirty list? Here ya go! 

My list
(the ones I have completed are highlighted with a date after):

1) Experience love at first sight. (completed September 2010 when my son was born)

2) Marry someone that I am deeply in love with. (completed September 2009)

3) Swim in the Atlantic, Pacific, and Caribbean Oceans.

4) Take my son on a boat ride.

5) Finish a novel (publishing not required).

6) Go to New Orleans. (completed March 2012)

7) Meet a celebrity. (Completed September 2010)

8) Find a job that pays well, and that I love.

9) Have a baby! (completed September 29... His name is Gavin)

10) Read and finish book. (completed 2013.. Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy... what can I say)

11) Go to a Chicago Cubs game (2009), Chicago Bears, and a Chicago Blackhawks game.

12) Meet a moose at the Columbus Zoo and Aquarium in Columbus, OH.

13) Play with a Penguin in Gatlinburg, TN.

14) Go to Las Vegas and see at least one show. (completed September 2009)

15) Get another tattoo.

16) Go to Niagara Falls.

17) Take a trip to Washington DC, and visit all of the monuments and museums.

18) Obtain a passport and take a trip to Canada.

19) Go apple picking in Michigan.

20) To have a blog following of 50 within the first 6 months. (completed February 2014)

21) To buy a house.

22) Paint with a penguin.

23) Own a DSLR camera and know how to use it.

24) Get my graduate degree. (completed May 2014) 

25 ) Ride an elephant. (completed May 2014)

26) See Garth Brooks in concert. (completed September 2014)

27) Celebrate five years of being married with the man I love. (completed September 2014)

28) Ride a four wheeler. (completed August 2015)

29) Meet at least one blogger friend. (competed July 2014)

30) Break my addiction to cigarettes.

Three | Unfortunately, I really don't think that I will be completing my whole list by the time I'm 30... the reason being mostly due to time. Sure, I will be able to go to a Bears and Blackhawks game (#11) by my birthday; 12, 13 & 22, mostly because in September we are planning a trip to Gatlinburg, TN and then Columbus, OH; I'm planning on getting another tattoo at the beginning of September (#15); a trip to DC will be in Nov (I'm hoping) (#17); and I'm going to struggle to break my addiction to cigarettes (#30). But I don't see myself swimming in all oceans, finishing a novel, taking lil man on a boat ride, finding a well paying and loving job, going to Niagara or Canada, buying a house, or buying a DSLR by December 3 of this year. Now apple picking in Michigan, yeah, I can at least try to do that :) 

Do you have a thirty by thirty list?

5 summer beauty products I can't live without

All confessions aside, I'm really not a fan of summer. Sure I love the swimming, walking on the beach, bbqs, sports, longer days, and other things, but I HATE the heat. I mean, I hate it with a passion. Sometimes my allergies perk up in the summer months (yeah, I'm that person that gets a cold in the summer) and I can't breathe in the humidity or I get burned because the sun is way too close to the earth and the atmosphere is way too thin... yeah, I'm just not a fan of the heat. And honestly, fall is my jam. But we are not here to talk about all the reasons that a light skin person burns in direct sunlight, we are here to talk about five beauty products that help summer be a little bit more bearable for me.

1. Beach wave spray
In my experience, the easiest hair style to pull off for days has to be beach waves/loose curls. I love taking second day hair, putting some curls in it with my KISS rotating curler, and spraying it down with Oribe Apres Beach wave & shine spray.

2. Colored eyeliner
I have a confession... until this summer I had never been a fan of colored eyeliner- I'm referring to any color besides Neutrals. Then I recieved a plum color in my June Birchbox and a blue one in a beauty swap... uh huh, now I'm hooked. I love how fun the colored eyeliner is and how you can use it for day and night use. I love the liners from Marcelle.

3. Eye shadow crayon
Summer is about easy makeup because what's the point of doing your makeup for hours and you will probably wash it off at the beach or pool. For eye shadow, you know so I can put some color on my ghost like face, I love the crayons. They are usually waterproof, come in pretty colors, and are easily spreadable.  I love the NYC city proof 24 hr waterproof eye shadow crayon. Cheap and work great.

4. Face serum with SPF
I have light colored hair so you can pretty much bet that I will burn in the sun. Enter the concept of a face serum that contains SPF. Best thing ever. Supergoop makes a great serum with SPF! 

5. Setting spray/mist
I hate the way that my makeup wants to melt off my face whenever I go out into the humidity filled heat that inhibits the Northwest throughout the months of summer. My secret weapon: setting spray. Not only does it help with my melting issue, it also matifies my powder foundation and saves me from looking all cakey. I love the sprays from Supergoop and Urban Decay.

What are five summer beauty products you can't live without?

And... I'm Back!

Guess who's back? Back again! Guess who's back? Tabby's back! Blogging again!
(Tell me that you weren't just singing... haha)

And just like that, after a two week hiatus, I've come home to you! And it feels rather nice. So to catch up, I'm gonna let you I'm on some things... and then break it all down currently style.

one | My grandmother had surgery to remove the breast cancer last month and I still haven't recovered from the stress and anxiety of it all. But she was given the all clear from the doc, meaning they got all of the cancer, and she starts radiation at the beginning of September.

two | Then there is the anxiety with what is going on with the dog... every time he refuses to eat or drink immediately after I fill his bowls, I feel an overwhelming need to breakdown and cry, because in my head I know that I need to make the decision to let him go. And well, my heart is overruling my head in almost every debate at this point. It really didn't help that last month, my Aunt told me that I needed to put him down because it wasn't nice to put him through the pain of draining and filling up and being overall uncomfortable. I know she's right, but I just can't bring myself to make a decision just yet. Especially since it seems like the water pills are starting to help. Which makes my decision even harder. *For more info on what I am blabbering on about, read here

three | I've had a nice little sinus thing going on for about a month now... so after coughing all over the kiddies at work, I spent two freaking hours in urgent care for them to tell me I have bronchitis. Joy! I'm starting to feel better, but honestly, I really don't think it's bronchitis. 

four | My bestie came in this past weekend and I can't tell you how much of a fresh breath of air it was to see her. And actually talk to her in person. I'm planning a trip to go see her before my birthday, but it sucks we really only see each other like twice a year. *oh btw, the bestie taught me how to fishtail braid and I'm awesome at it!

five | A lil currently action:

R e a d i n g | A Time to Kill by John Grisham. I was looking for a book at work to read for quite reading (I work in a JDC and they run it like a school setting M-F) and came across A Time to Kill. I had seen the movie years ago, but the book is rather eye opening. 

W r i t i n g | The other night I had a dream and as soon as I woke up, I knew I wanted to write a novel about the basis of my dream. I have always wanted to be a writer (maybe that's why I blog), and hopefully I can find the time to actually sit down and write it. 

L i s t e n i n g | to my new Luke Bryan CD on repeat. 

T h i n k i n g | about what I am going to post this week... I have my Internet through my cell provider, so when my data gets low, I stop blogging... and then draft posts in MS word. I have five sitting on deck right now!

W i s h i n g | that for once my head and my heart could be on the same page. I am really not a fan with the whole being at war with myself. 

H o p i n g | for a miracle. I know it's a long shot, but miracles happen, right? 

S m e l l i n g | nothing... due to my sinus issues, nothing smells or tastes right. 

W e a r i n g | Butter London Horse Power Nail Fertilizer. Seriously amazing. 

L o v i n g | The new James Patterson show on Tuesday nights on CBS... it's called Zoo :) 

W a n t i n g | to curl up in bed and hide under the covers... being an adult sucks sometimes. I could also go for a nap and a bath... just not in that order.

N e e d i n g | a relaxing spa day that includes a mani/pedi & hair cut. 

F e e l i n g | like a bipolar freak... at one minute I want to bawl my eyes out, in another minute I want to sing karaoke at the top of my lungs, in another I am looking in the mirror and smiling because I think I look amazing. 

M i s s i n g | being a stay-at-home mom. Don't get me wrong, I love my job and I love the money, but I really miss spending the day in the pool with Lil Man, or going shopping, or just laying on the couch, or even doing laundry and cleaning my house. Yep... never thought I would say that last part...

So how have you been? I'm excited to see all your faces again!!

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