talking about insecurities // round 2

*I have a feeling that I am going to regret pressing the "publish" button today, but here we go...*

Last week I posted a vlog (video blog) in which I talked about my biggest insecurity... my weight. Even though it was a bit difficult to talk about the insecurity, I have to honestly say that I didn't dig deep for the vlog. I just talked about what "bothers" me on a daily basic, and even though my weight issue is my BIGGEST insecurity, it's not the one that I hide deep down inside.

That one... is hard.
That one... is raw.
That one... makes me emotional and vulnerable.

I have to say that I am so grateful that Faith and her co-hosts chose the topic for the Golden Vlog this month... because it allowed me to see that I am not the only one struggling with this certain insecurity. The vlogs from Leah from My Favorite Adventure  and Tayler from The Morrell Tale really hit me like a freight train; they made me aware of this insecurity that I keep hidden away.

The one that takes some explaining...

(ok, enough stalling... here we go)

Sometimes I feel like I don't fit in. I feel as if I sometimes don't wear the right clothes, or have the right stuff. I feel as if I can't connect with people on the deeper level, and maintain friendships. I feel as if I say the wrong things sometimes all the time. I feel as if I am the one being left out. I feel as if I can take a work friend or school and make them and real life friend, but connecting on the friend level that takes us out to coffee or dinner, is near impossible; and the relationship fizzles out. 

I am usually the one who will text friends and ask them if they want to go for coffee or lunch. I am usually the one sitting on the computer watching everyone else posting things on Facebook and Insta. I am usually the one asking myself why I didn't get invited. 

And it hurts. It hurts, because even though my answer usually would be "No, I can't go because I don't have a sitter", I'm not asked. I'm not asked to join the fun. 

It hurts because I feel a constant struggle to fit in. In real life and in blogging life. I feel this because I'm usually in as different place in my life than others people.

Real life example: When ever I go on a play date with Lil Man, I feel like a horrible mother. I'm always talking about the shit that my kid does that annoys me and saying that I'm good with one child; and the other mother has two or three kids, and those kids are flippin angels. I'm always the one left wondering what I did wrong (parenting wise).

Blogging example: When ever I find a new blog, I generally read about how they have dedicated their lives to God, are active in church, and connect with other bloggers at different conferences. Sure,  I believe in God, but I'm in no way active in a church or about going to conferences. And I'm not really interested in doing all that stuff either (mostly due to outlying factors). But I feel if I have no interest in it, then I will be turned away because there isn't a way that we can connect on those kind of levels. 

I've had my insecurity since about middle school. And if your'e wondering, no, I was in no way popular. I wasn't well off, blonde, or skinny. I has glasses, wore t-shirts to hide my breasts, and was in band. Yes, I was a nerd. But I also didn't really have any neighbors to make friends with- I lived on about 5 acres and it was an 1/8th of a mile to the road from my house. Sure, my mom tried to keep me active in Girl Scouts and 4-H, but those were the only people I talked to (and surely don't talk to them now. Granted we are friends on Facebook, but they are more like acquaintances). Literally the only person from middle school/high school that I talk to on a regular basis now, is my best friend who happens to live 20 minutes outside of DC- I'm about an hour South East of Chicago. And the people that I talked to from Girl Scouts and 4-H... well those friendships started to fizzle out about mid-sophomore year.

Sure since then, I've had people that I have hung around with. Like in college, at a few jobs, when I was into the "bar scene", etc. But once those activities were over, it was like the friendships were too. And it felt like itwas my fault 100% of the time. Sure, it probably wasn't, but I don't know what happens and why the friendship come to and end.

Has anyone ever had this insecurity? If you have, I would like to know about it. I would like to know what people do to overcome an insecurity like this? Is it normal- feeling like you don't fit in?

*linking up with Ember Grey
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